After decades-lost to family ties, in my organically intuitive search to know love in this world_ I have finally reached a significant moment of liberation. Now comes the plea to that family left behind. A family I hope will not just continue to be at risk_ of remaining in chosen ignorance.
All past socially geeky, explosive expression aside_ I am breaking the codes of family silence. I am breaking the codes of family shame. I am walking away from the hold that terror has held in a lifelong mysterious domination on my life, because I have finally learned its name. I am relieved in the belief that I have very carefully finally learned, what you have always seemed to not want to know. I am relieved after doing much of the work to know that has always belonged to you to do_ for your own healing; for your own empowerment.
Consider: how might your life be from here?
That it is entirely likely that you are mentally ill and have always been, my whole life! Can you please stop hiding from this historically unnamed and possible truth now, and go explore it in open mindedness? In open "heartedness?"
In those experiences that are found in the empowerment of knowing_ wouldn't you want to get well? Explore to know!
Many years ago when I was in high school, the possibility of you being mentally ill was suggested by family members. I remember at that time, you more or less reactively asked for my validation that such a suggestion was ridiculous. As a daughter desperately wanting to be accepted by my mother at almost all costs, I agreed. Yet even at that time, my teenage gut held a twinge the possibility could have been otherwise. This twinge I recognize was my inner signal for the unnamed and terrorizing domination. Just as paradoxically it is that domination that has intuitively guided my entire life. Intuitively guided me to leave in order to survive. After decades now, slowly learning to finally name this mystery, I am at peace. I know I have finally learned, it is your mental illness that is and always was the reality we all tried to survive then, the best we each knew how. The not knowing years was a time in all our lives that was "every man for himself."
Now, the only veil between you and exploration of this potential, is the shame about being mentally ill and the habitualized support called family love that in its best intention, may actually prevent you from looking into this further for your own self. That shame is only ignorance! Ignorance that labels illness as shame!!! Ignorance does not know any better.
Mental illness CAN be cured. Check out this website, because mental illness is an illness! It is NOT shame!! It is an illness that is curable.
I am wishing you wellness because it is very possible for you. The explorative impact alone is also very beneficial for our family as a whole. Without an informed exploration, the continuing habits of reacting, labeling and negatively judging_ are only that.
I am also wishing you deep inner peace because I have always wanted to know who you really are. I am wishing that deep healing in you will be a reality for us to experience together in this lifetime, because nothing else can ever be otherwise between us.
This, albeit estranged lifelong searching, devoted to understanding what it would take to name a family member's illness and thus, begin to point to a family member's wellness_ is also what love really is. I truly feel I now know a significant piece in the "something is wrong here" that I feel strongly always has been... can you begin to explore letting this identity of not wanting to know_ go now? Can you find the strength and courage it will take, to know better?
I have no shame in you. Right now, I just cannot ever live near you as you are. I would however, be proud for you to know this very likely truth for your own self.